The Emotional Cost

I made a choice.  It costed me more than i wanted it to or ever thought it would.  the emotional consequences are deeper than I will ever share with anyone.  I did an earlier post a  long time ago about the 3 parts that we all draw from to make decisions on a daily basis.  I look at it now and despite still agreeing with the concept of it all I feel like putting my fist through my monitor. 

I don't know where I think im going with this other than to say that the pain is much more than I had anticipated.  trying to convince myself that the right choice does little to make me feel better.  knowing the pain will dissipate over time (hopefully) doesn't solve the problem of the present. 

faced with a situation many of us have dealt with at one time or another.  the absolute need to keep ones mind occupied for the sake of ones own sanity and to avoid being consumed by the flood of emotions just waiting for any opportunity to bleed through.  the kind of things that drive people to become alcoholics because its the only way to fall asleep. 

did I make the right choice?  doesn't matter anymore, its been made.  Do I desire to try and undo the choice?  doesn't matter either.  "I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it". 

but what if?  <---   that line of thinking will drive anyone insane. 

the collateral damage was much more than I had intended also.  I had no way to anticipate that.  maybe I should have known. 

did I do enough to see that choice through?  did I see it through with honor and integrity despite the circumstances?  Should I have done more?  what would that have been?  Does that aspect matter, because I'm the asshole for making the choice to begin with so who is going to care about any of that in the end?  Someone might someday....maybe...maybe not. 

I am not the victim.  I created multiple victims.  regardless of the right or wrong of the choice there is an emotional cost I must pay and it will last as long as it is supposed to. 

There is always the misconception in situations like this that because I made the choice I am unaffected by the fallout.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  I am in pain.  "well look what you did, you should be".  Yup, give it to me, all of it.  Why can't I also bear the pain of the those whom I affected?  I did this, its the least I should be able to do.  It would seem the world doesn't let it work that way.

In the wise words of my own mother...."this too shall pass"