The Emotional Cost

I made a choice.  It costed me more than i wanted it to or ever thought it would.  the emotional consequences are deeper than I will ever share with anyone.  I did an earlier post a  long time ago about the 3 parts that we all draw from to make decisions on a daily basis.  I look at it now and despite still agreeing with the concept of it all I feel like putting my fist through my monitor. 

I don't know where I think im going with this other than to say that the pain is much more than I had anticipated.  trying to convince myself that the right choice does little to make me feel better.  knowing the pain will dissipate over time (hopefully) doesn't solve the problem of the present. 

faced with a situation many of us have dealt with at one time or another.  the absolute need to keep ones mind occupied for the sake of ones own sanity and to avoid being consumed by the flood of emotions just waiting for any opportunity to bleed through.  the kind of things that drive people to become alcoholics because its the only way to fall asleep. 

did I make the right choice?  doesn't matter anymore, its been made.  Do I desire to try and undo the choice?  doesn't matter either.  "I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it". 

but what if?  <---   that line of thinking will drive anyone insane. 

the collateral damage was much more than I had intended also.  I had no way to anticipate that.  maybe I should have known. 

did I do enough to see that choice through?  did I see it through with honor and integrity despite the circumstances?  Should I have done more?  what would that have been?  Does that aspect matter, because I'm the asshole for making the choice to begin with so who is going to care about any of that in the end?  Someone might someday....maybe...maybe not. 

I am not the victim.  I created multiple victims.  regardless of the right or wrong of the choice there is an emotional cost I must pay and it will last as long as it is supposed to. 

There is always the misconception in situations like this that because I made the choice I am unaffected by the fallout.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  I am in pain.  "well look what you did, you should be".  Yup, give it to me, all of it.  Why can't I also bear the pain of the those whom I affected?  I did this, its the least I should be able to do.  It would seem the world doesn't let it work that way.

In the wise words of my own mother...."this too shall pass"

Animal Cruelty/Rights

this is a toughy.  I like animals...well...most animals.  I see a lot of stuff around the web.  that we should treat animal abusers like pedophiles and stuff like that.  and while it sounds like a good idea and people get fired up about it there is tiny aspect that is missing.  I'll get to that in a bit. 

Michael Vick, illegal puppy mills, hell even cops, pick your poison of who should get the severest consequences for there actions.  it gets me worked up too.  makes you ask questions like how can people who do these things to something living get off so easy.  that animal is a living thing and possibly part of a family.

Well the one thing that gets forgotten in our world of laws and rules....animals are property and not people.  let that sink in for a second.  you are probably looking at your own animal and saying "my pet is NOT property"  its probably more of a person than half the people that visit you. 

to do anything else would mess with the status quo.  If somehow pets were elevated from property then they would have to be given rights.  Now obviously the first response is they have a right to exist or right to not be tortured and all that.  of course, living things have the right to exist...im not so sure about spiders though....

So to state the obvious i'll say you cant murder property. 

I think about what might happen if we gave animals some more rights.  I think about some of the good it might do when I see dog fighting or cops shooting a dog because he is on a power trip and then nothing happens because he is a pig.  I think about some of the justice it might bring to some of the families that have had that animal for 5, 10, or even 15 years.

but then.....

I think about the other end of the spectrum.  the stupid side.  let your mind wander and think of the most ridiculous things someone might try and pull off.  perhaps a lawsuit because my non-service bull mastiff dog is a person now and should be able to accompany me into Olive Garden. 

What about something a bit more humane.  If its not property now when the vet says its time to put the dog down you cant.  the dog now has rights.  now you must continue to spend money to keep it alive.  this is the one aspect of an animal being property that I consider arguably the most valuable.  it allows me the owner to make the best and most informed and humane decision to spare my beloved animal more pain and suffering.  we aren't allowed to do this to people, even when that's what they want....and they have rights. 

you cant put a cat on the stand for a cross examination in an effort to have a fair trial for the accused either.

quite the conundrum....one with no real middle ground in between the sides

but at the end of the day the problem is people.

it always is....

Where luck comes from...

I saw an article or post or something somewhere.  Maybe I heard it on the radio.  I didn't think much of it at first until I thought about my life as it applied to this statement.

"when I work hard, my luck seems to be better"

most people consider winning the lottery or finding a $20 bill in their pants they forgot about, lucky.  It is, sort of.  but consider the above statement.  I'd have to say that as I truly evaluate it id have to say its true.  Maybe not entirely, but there are definitely many key moments I can attribute to it.

luck is defined as success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one's own actions.

but is that the end of it?  can we make our own luck?  or perhaps through hard work can we simply improve the chances of getting lucky?  or is it really luck at all?

lets look at the lottery.  is it really pure chance that a person wins?  for the most part yes.  but that person still had to make the choice to buy a ticket.  the purchasing of the ticket increased their chances of winning.  does that mean the created their own luck?  or at least a small amount?  how much more luck did they create by picking their own numbers or not picking their own numbers?

im not one to believe in pure random chance.  there are so many things going on in this world at the same time that at some point things are bound to intersect.  the law of 3s is fun one.  as this oddity I have witnessed many times for good or bad.  you know, the whole things happen in 3s, good or bad. 

I find that through hard work things don't feel like luck so much, even when they appear as random acts of chance.  that my actions have created or improved my chances to a point where I have manifested my own luck.  hard work is good for the mind, body, and soul.  it can make you feel like you have accomplished something and give you confidence. 

Confidence....

im sure there are plenty of psychologists out there that will tell you confidence or lack of it has a direct impact on successes and failures, and even impacts luck. 

there is always someone better or worse off than you.  and when the occasional person floats the comment when they decide to comment on my life by saying "you are lucky", my standard response tends to be "I work hard".

so the question remains.  can you make your own luck?

After Further Review 1969 sucked ass WTF were you people thinking

When I listen to the classic rock station on the radio i notice there are a bunch of songs that reference 1969 in some form or fashion.  It baffles me that these songs just revolve around how great these people think this year was.  Other than the humorous sexual inuendo that is the number i fail to see the appeal of could have been any kind of awesomeness of this year.  Lets have a small look form my point of view

NUMBER ONE - there was no Star Wars.  I dont know if i should list this as first and foremost or the dagger that seals the deal at the end.

Star Trek the Original series was cancelled - WTF!!! i have no words for this given we landed on the moon and the whole obsession with space stuff kicked into full swing.

Dark Side of the Moon was still about 4 years away from release.  I mean if you are a true Floyd fan (and im not) was there ever a time before Darkside?  I heard a person call the radio station the other day and requested a song purposely NOT from Darkside and NOT from The Wall...they said they didnt have any songs from other albums to play....WTF???

The Vietnam war was in full swing

You wierdos elected Nixon - this is debateable but ill just chalk this up to a generation of drug addict hippies on way too much LSD.

Charles Manson was alive and well and doing his thing.  This is easily countered with Jeffery Dahmer but still, this guy had a cult and a following.

Vince Lombardi had retired as head coach of the Green Bay Packers the previous year after winning the Super Bowl.

You still had to be 21 to vote.

THERE WAS NO WALT DISNEY WORLD!!!

OK Ill give you the landing on the moon - which created the space toy craze which should have fueled Star Trek...idiots.

NO I am not going to give credit to Woodstock.  If that happened today everyone of those drug addicts would be doing time for possession amoung other things.  Yes i realize that Jimi Hendrix is revered as the greatest guitarist ever, however, everytime i see a top however many list there is almost always a bullet about how much LSD everyone was on back then.  Is it possible that if all the people were sober that Hendrix, Joplin, the Beatles, etc, etc would never have achieved stardom?  But this is a post all its own.

Now those that know me will argue back with things like there was no RAP or HIPHOP music, no Twilight or Justin Bieber, well these are minor compared to the first 3 things i listed.

now you will notice i have chosen to not get totally unfair and talk about things like cellphones and technology related things.  I deem this to be slightly unfair.  either way it just seems to me that there was a severe lack of culture or culture induced by artificial means (LSD).  Or perhaps the pure amount of ignorance was sheer bliss?  if there is an answer that has to be it.  but then that would suggest as time went on the subsequent years would be looked upon as better.  I dont know there just seems to be a large quantity of people that never left the concert and seem to be stuck there forever.

Anyway, yeah, 1969 sucked ass.

Guns are like Condoms...

...I rather have one and not need it, than need it and not have one.

A whole lot of gun talk in recent weeks.  People arguing over something at its core is one of the very tools that created this country.  This country was founded because of rebellion against a tyrannical government.  We then created the 2nd Amendment amoung other things to ensure that it would not happen again.

Over time people tend to become complacent and seem to think that such things wont happen again to them.  Maybe to other people or countries but not them.  And certainly not by their own government.  There are things in motion today that are raising red flags everywhere.  Some people are keeping an eye on it and others dont seem to be worried.  Whether the worst will occur or not does not make it any less worthy of attention.

As a Vet I am extremely pro-gun.  Why do i have guns?  well for the one reason that needs no explanation.  BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN.  The 2nd amendment is all i require.  Which by the way for those who dont know, makes this country a constitutional republic NOT a democracy as some people are led to believe.  Having a gun and knowing how to use it might as well be considered more of an American tradition. 

With our goverment once again declaring war on the 2nd amendment its worth noting that if you look back in history gun control never works.  At least not in the favor of those being disarmed.  There is moment in our history that most people either dont know or it was too small of a notation worthy of notice.  Lets go back to World War 2.  Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and all the things that came from that.  Hitler was advancing all over Europe.  Why didnt Japan invade the U.S.?  Even though this quote is said to be bogus, it has been repeated thousands of times from the era and even today.  "You cannon invade the mainland United States.  There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass"  Even as a misquote there must be somekind of logic behind it or someone from the era was thinking something like it.  Regardless of that, Our fasination with guns and the ability to freely own them in some form or fashion i believe was a deterant and a factor.  If they thought U.S. citizens were not armed i think its safe to say the outcome would have been very different.  So chalk one up and re-read the very first line of this blog.

So why have a gun?

The same reason there a flashlight somewhere in just about every home.

The same reason you might find a first aid kit in someones car or house.

I could go on and on with this. 

Back in the musket days it was believed that you either knew how to shoot or you didnt.  The concept that you could teach someone how just didnt exist.  We now know otherwise.  Its a skill everyone should learn at some point.  Just like riding a bike, swimming, or driving.  Its as American as apple pie and football.  yes football, baseball has been fired.  More people watch the Super Bowl than all games of the World Series.  But thats a another blog.

I though about taking this post for a political ride but elected not to.  Instead if there are any anti-gun people reading this.  I would simply say that while thats your stance, you should still take the time to shoot a gun and learn its place in the proper context of history.  That context being as one of the tools used to grant you the freedom and the right to voice your opinion that you dont think we should have them.  Even in those days we had a military, and yet they still used armed civilians to increase numbers to help balance the engagements.  You may be anti gun but that doesnt change the fact that guns played a major role in giving you the freedom to have that point of view.

Tragedy in Conn.

part 1

As an Army Vet having derved during the period i did, I know what it takes to take a life.  In the wake of the recent school shooting i cant help the urge to express a few things.  I have seen all types of acts involving the taking of lives, even participated in a couple.  Its one thing to kill in a kill of be killed senario, crash an airplane into a building, blow up a building with a van full of fertilizer, or even shoot some high school peers, BUT it is something completely different to go into an elementary school and individually shoot 20 children.

The question i ask myself is what does it take to be able to do something like this?  Well i can tell you its not a long list.  It would take a large amout of hate, rage, drugs, or the type of mental illness that makes you think of people like Jeffery Dahmer, or maybe even Charles Manson.  Perhaps a combination of 2 or more of these.  But that is about it.  This does not excuse anything. 

The situation is difficult because having killed himself after the fact there can be almost no justice for the families.  In a twisted way making this almost the perfect crime.  All one can do is put their faith in God.  Despite the anger and vengence that would be felt, being raised a Catholic the correct religious answer would be to forgive and ask God to have mercy on his soul.  But we do know what religion tells us about those who take their own lives.

It is a time of mourning and also a time of confusion.  If God does have a plan for us all then why take these children, why now, they had their whole lives ahead of them?  Growing up, playing sports, falling in love, having kids of their own.  If you believe such things you must take comfort in knowing they are in a better place.  They will never know what its like to be bullied, abused, have their heart broken, watch a loved one die....in a twisted sense we should all be so lucky and as parents couldnt wish anymore for our children.

part 2

If its not bad enough, leave it to our politicians in the near future to exploit this tragic event in favor of pursuing their own agendas.  They are already jockeying for position.  They will blame the guns.  Its the guns fault.  They will use the emotional distress of the people to shift their focus.  If this person wasnt able to get his hands on the guns this would not have happened.  History has proven those who want something can usually get it.  Prohibition would be the biggest example of this.  I mean everyone was sober and dry during that time right?  of course they were because booze was illegal.  If the choice of the government and the sheeple that follow is stricter gun control then i have a few suggestions of my own.

1.  Ban all knives - no more stabbings and murders involving this weapon anymore, combined with guns we will be reduced to the ninjas being the only ones killing people.

2.  Prohibition - ban booze again, this will eliminate all drunk driving and fatalities that go with the accidents that happen because no one would think of drinking if its illegal.

3.  Ban all spoons - this will completely solve the problem of obesity in the country. 

4.  Ban cell phones - texting and driving reduced to zero.

5.  Ban cars - while we at it lets make cars illegal, i mean they cause all kinds of deaths they are dangerous and should be illegal to own one.

Am i making the nation a safer place yet?  the point is if you are looking to figure out who is to blame or put together the cause of a sequence of events it is still important to know that every individual is accountable for their own actions.  But what about mental illness or drugs?  well if he was that mentally ill how was it he was able to find himself in a position to do what he did?  Either way the fault can always be traced back to a human being, not a thing or object.

Chances are they will chalk this up to mental disease and drugs, thus meaning he wasnt aware of his actions or was not in a mental state to be accountable.  This doesnt make anything better.  So spare us this type of explanation.  Let the people mourn the loss of their loved ones with some dignity and peace from the media and all who follow.  There is no need for politicians to pretend to ride in on a white horse to exploit this pretending to have a solution.  It wont bring them back.  the best thing they can do...is leave us alone.

Where my HATE for Unions Began...

Circa 1999-2000, my first job working in a union.  A grocery store warehouse. i was in my 20s taking a year off from college.  I was also transitioning from active duty Army to the National Guard weekend warrior way of doing things.

Now to understand the story you need to know a few things about how things worked in this warehouse.  there was a seniority list of about 100 people.  Various shifts and jobs that were all bid for once a year.  8 hour shifts, 10 hour shifts, different days off, etc.  The lower portion of the list were the order pickers.  Stacking pallets of groceries and taking them to the loading docks.  this was the only job that where you were measured by how fast you go.  you were only gieven so much time per order.  if you didnt make time you were subject to write ups and all the fun stuff that can follow.  Being a union environment is was STRONGLY encouraged that you DO NOT go any faster than the time given for each order.

A note on seniority.  If a senior man came in on his day off to work overtime, for that day, he went to the bottom of the seniority list and thus would have to be an order picker because it was not his regular day that he bid for.  This is important and will come up later.

Now its also important to note that at this stage in my life and still now for the most part, all those Army words were still ringing in my head loud and clear, DUTY, MOTIVATION, DICIPLINE.

It took me almost 60 days (my probationary period) to learn the system and develop a pace that would allow me to make time.  This was normal, either you were making the cut by 60 days or they let you go.  your time was calculated weekly.  100% average meant you wee meeting the standard. 

As time went on i found i was able to exceed the time standards on a regular basis.  At the time i was just impressing myself.  And if i needed some extra time later then i had some to burn and still make 100%.  Well, the union guys didnt like that very much.  I was repeatedly told to slow down, dont work so fast.  If they keep seeing me work so fast they will adjust the time standard and that there are guys who are struggling with it now and they will lose their jobs.  Guys that have been there longer than me.  Now i just thought that was the dumbest thing ever.  Because if I slow down then the loads dont get on time, and if they dont get out on time then im more likely to have to work forced overtime becasue no one goes home until the work is out.  the union contract allowed them to force us to work up to 15.5 hours a day, 6 days a week if needed.  So that translated as "slow down = more OT whether i want it or not".  And there was already plenty of this OT going around because of thanksgiving and all those kinds of days, without me slowing down.  And besides i was 1 person out of maybe 50 pickers, wtf difference was i going to make by myself. 

One day 4 guys decide to corner and confront me in the back of the warehouse and try some intimidation tactics.  I guess they felt they werent getting through to me and that 4 guys should be sufficient to go after an "Army of One" haha yea i thought it was funny.  pickers have with them about a 30" long and maybe 1/4" diamter metal rod with a 90 degree bend at the end thats about 3 inches long with a handle at the other end.  this hook was used for pulling cases of product to the edge of high shelves so we could grab and stack them.  After about a minute of listening to the bullshit spewing from these guys mouths (all of them older than me, family guys mostly) i had enough.  i grabbed my hook and took a swing at them all.  Asked which one wanted to lose an eye first.  I dont have any delusions that they were scared of me but i do think they might have thought i had a screw loose.  At that point either one was fine with me.  The war started that day....

At the time i was averaging about 102-105%.  The guys decided they were going to help me slow down by getting in my way with the forklifts or trying to sabotage me or leaving pallets in the aisles i was coming down.  I guessing they werent going to risk physical confrontation.  So, I fought back.  I went faster.  Before long i was averaging almost 115%.  I was putting up numbers no one had done before.  And not because it wasnt possible.  The union mantra just doesnt want you to exceed at anything.  Now to put it in perspective 115% in time roughly meant that at the end of a 40 hour week i did 42 hours of orders.  TWO FUCKING HOURS.....IN A WEEK. 

Then it happened.  i was grabing a case and one of the guys (a 17 year man fully vested) chose to try and fit his forklift in a space he knew it wouldnt fit.  Hit my pallet jack (which my foot was under) and then took my pallet jack and myself for a ride.  My foot got caught and he proceeded to drag me 50-60 feet before my shoe ripped.  I almost lost my foot, broken bones, sprained ankle.  A new guy i helped train was behind me and watched this happen.  There was no one else down this aisle.  He helped me walk to the office where there was an aid station and report the "accident".  He was nice enough to write a statement of his own.  I was lucky i guess, 2 weeks out of work, then return with light duty for a bit.  My foot was being twisted off my leg like a bottle cap.

Now due to union contract and company rules the first thing done when there is an accident is a mandatory drug test.  Mister forklift asshole tested positive for weed.  Instant termination, forfiet all benefits, retirement, pension, EVERYTHING.  Justice (of some kind) had finally been served.  Every single one of those bastards left me alone after that.  Maybe they all were smokin da weed eh? lol.

A union steward approached me and said to look at what I had done.  "he had a family and kids and now he is out of a job and with the drug test will have a tough time finding another".  I said I almost lost my foot asshole, he got what he deserved for intentionally running me over with a forklift so FUCK HIM. 

Shortly after that the company time study happened.  A 3rd party group comes in and follows pickers to evaluate if changes are needed to the time standards.  Here is where the earlier point comes in.  If a senior man on his day off is picking, he is still held to the standard regardless of anything else.  Every person above me it seems came to me at some point to ask me if i was "going to change my ways and do what was best for the union brotherhood" to which i said of course.  Anyone that cant keep up with me doenst need to be working here.  The orders were hand picked by the contractors.  When it was my turn i was given an easier order.  About 10 guys stood by as i punched on the order and about 20 or so were waiting for me when i got back to code it off to see what % it would be.  Like i said this particular order they gave me i would have an extremely hard time making just 100% as it was, let alone go slower.  By now its not hard for anyone reading this to figure out what i did.  I raced that order like nothing i had ever done in that place and coded of 125%.  The question was then asked out loud why i was the only one that was able to make the numbers that day.  I quit a few months later when i went back to school, but as far as what happen with the time study its not too hard to figure out what happened after that....